My fascination with the law of attraction and manifestation began long ago. ‘What an amazing concept,’ I had always thought, ‘I can have whatever I want if I believe in this’. So, I would conjure up all the most idealistic fantasies I possibly could and then I would wait…. and wait… and wait… when nothing changed in my life I would forget about the principle and settle back into my old patterns of thought. The thoughts that I accepted as my truths, despite them being extremely limiting, negative and discontented.
I would settle back into the feeling of ‘I want to change’, ‘I want my life to change’ but ‘I don’t know how to change’. I only understood (and therefore practised) the principle on a superficial level, and so, I stayed the same…
Living in this cycle of wanting to change, and not understanding how to, bought all my fears about life and negative self-perceptions to the surface. It became a crippling trap that resulted in a feeling of complete hopelessness and self-loathing, which resulted in a break-down. I completely lost faith in my ability to deal with life because all the answers I had relied on in the past were the answers that had led me to this point. They were clearly wrong and I had no idea where to find the right answers.
So, I was forced to look at myself honestly, to see what I had become. I was forced to look through the disgust I had developed for myself and see the truth that existed behind those eyes. I had to find ‘me’ behind my face and remind myself that I did care. That I cared enough to change.
Getting through this time in my life took all the strength that I had (which didn’t feel like very much at the time). Yet somehow, I had enough awareness to know that this break-down was actually a good thing for me. I knew it would force me to seek out real solutions rather than fixing my problems with band-aids or by trying to bury them. I knew I didn’t love myself very much, that I didn’t know how to and that I would have to learn. Most importantly, I knew that whatever I discovered had to feel real and that in order to change and get my happiness back, I would have to put it all into ACTION.
I took to reading and looked for lessons in everything I encountered. I chose to spend time with people who felt loving and avoided people who didn’t. I stopped exercising because it had become an obsession. A way of trying to control at least something in my life, and when I started again I started gently with the intention of getting pleasure out of moving, rather than forcing myself to obtain some egocentric goal. I worked fewer hours and chose social activities with more care. I wanted everything I did to feel valuable, not stressful, and not just something to fill up empty hours. As much as I didn’t like being trapped in my confused head, I didn’t want to create more ‘escapes’. Instead I put effort into trying to understand it. Trying to find some clarity.
It took a long time to get through it and I still feel as though I am rebuilding myself and learning something new every day. However, I have enough distance now to realise that all the imbalances in my romantic, professional, social and financial life were the manifestation of my core fears and beliefs. I had given so much energy to thoughts about what I didn’t want that I had created those circumstances.
I would be angry at myself if not for this realisation…
Without even knowing it I had always been setting the principles of the law of attraction into motion. It’s just that I had been going about it the wrong way. I was ‘the one and only’ to blame. I was the one who was responsible for my situation. But if I’m honest I was more relieved than angry. Because, realising the power my thoughts have over my entire existence bought with it the realisation (and BELIEF!) that I DO have the power to change my life by simply changing my thoughts.
I learned that I can perpetuate my fears by feeding them with my thoughts and my energy, or I can step back and realise that they are just thoughts, and thoughts can be changed. By changing my thoughts I can release my fears. In the past I had been afraid to let go of certain thoughts because I believed they were truths and that I would somehow lose something by letting them go. I am not afraid to let go of them now. I am not afraid to change them. In fact, if they are limiting, negative or debilitating in any way I am more than happy to release them. It makes me a better person. A happier person. And therefore I experience the world in a much more pleasant way.
The most trying time of my life has eventuated in an enriched understanding of myself, other people and of life. It has taught me to let go of things that I can’t control and it has led me to actually understand that whatever is going on in my mind, will affect my reality. It’s given me faith in the law of attraction and faith in myself to manifest what I DO want.
Originally published on Holistic Stress Management March 23, 2013
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